29 Shorts from The Mushroom Kingdom

Story originally submitted to Super Mario Portal on July 8th, 2004 by Elliot Westbrook

-Mario and Luigi spit on cars.-

Mario: Hey, Luigi, ever think of the people in those cars?

Luigi: I try not to. It makes it harder to spit on ‘em.

Mario: Sometimes I think about everyone. Is interesting stuff really happening to all those guys?


Mario: What do you think, Lou? (sees him squirting ketchup at cars) AHEM!

Luigi: Oh, sorry. I saw a convertible. What were you saying?

Mario: Never mind. Heck, it’s 11:00. I need some sugar.

-So they go to Harry’s Shop.-

Karry: Please, it would be honorable if you could come to the party. (Yep, they’re Hindu.)

Harry: Sorry, but the customers are the only satisfaction I need. (Mario Bros. purchase) Thank you, come again. Whoo! That felt wonderful!

Karry: OK, but you’ll be there, or kindly be square.

Harry: Well, I don’t like to leave work, but...(pulls out Be Back sign and blows the dust off as he sets it to 11:05) For the next five minutes, I will party like it was on sale for $1.99!

SHORT 1: The Jolly Bengali

-At the party, the first thing Harry does is grab a raw tofu dog.-

Harry: No time to cook them! They will plump in my stomach! (eats it and washes it down with a longneck beer, then sees a fine lady) Oh, hello! Hmm, no ring, huh? So you are only PLANNING on getting married...OH! I LOVE this song! (dances to song) I am a freak-a-zoid, I…(Sorry, forgot the words.) Ooh, let us cool down for a while. (They enter a shed and he comes out.) Sorry! I will tell them you were untouchable...

-Not looking, he accidentally runs into evryone, knocking them into the pool. Then they all laugh.-

Karry: Oh, Harry, you have made this party a thrill! I think you!

Harry: Think?

Karry: Oops. Typo.

-And so, Harry rushes back and is on time. Success!-

Harry: Perfect! 4 minutes earlier than I expected!

-He’s about to enter, but an old Monty Mole comes out.-

Old Monty: You took a minute of my life and I want it back! Nah...I’ll just waste it...

-And so, the radio plays on...

SHORT 2: Gummy Scalps I

…as well as at the hangout. Peach comes in with a Coke can.-

Peach: Hey, mom, can I recycle this can that Luigi threw at the Miracle-Gro commercial guy?

Mrs. Toadstool: Why not?

-Peach goes out. Mario skates by, tossing his gum in the trash. Actually, it flew from there at the recycling bin, right in Peach’s hair!-

Peach: Mom! Someone accidentally threw gum in my hair!!!

Mrs. Toadstool: Are you sure it’s not shampoo? ‘Cuz that washes right out. (Peach tugs a bit on the gum.)

Peach: OW!! It’s sticking to my scalp!

Mrs. Toadstool: Well, if I remember my Heloise, the thing to get gum out is peanut butter! (puts a small glob of peanut butter on the gum) Now that should lift RIGHT out. (tugs it, but alas) Hmmm...Maybe it needs a little mayo to mix it in. (puts on a bit of mayonaisse) Now go out and let it soak in.

-Peach goes and sits at a fence.-

Peach: Why me?…(sniffs the air around her) Ick...I smell like a sandwich...

-A tiny Bzzap comes by, but she waves it off, but a ton of little Bzzaps swarm her head. She runs off screaming as a Bzzap flies through the street, pausing once to admire Bowyer’s stripes. Then it flies onto...

SHORT 3: Bzzap’s the Word

...Kammy’s glasses. She and the Riddler were on their double-seat motorbike.-

Riddler: Uhhh, Kammy? Why are we slowing down?

Kammy: Um...There’s...a Bzzap on...my glasses. I-I’m allergic to Bzzap stings...They, uh, cause me to, uhh, die.

Riddler: But we’ll be late to steal that guy’s lunch money!!!

Kammy: Um, maybe YOU can take over?

Riddler: Right after working my legs with that Spiny?!! I could blast it if you want. OK, hold still...

-He fires his wand at the Bzzap, which dodges it and stings Kammy right in the eye. She suddenly falls on the handlebars.-

Kammy: Ooohh...Get us to...the hospital...You have to...pedal...

Riddler: Hmmmm...OK, we’ll get to the hospital...Only way I know how...Kammy, you good-for-nuthin’! Stick that excuse of a foot on that stupid pedal NOW!! (Kammy puts foot on pedal) Now, if you can get it through your thick skull, put the other flat thing on the other wimp board!!! (puts other foot on...y’know) Now PUMP THOSE BROKEN PISTOL RODS, PIXIE!!!!! (Kammy pedals)

-After a while, they finally reach the hospital, both tired. Riddler almost lost his vocal cords.-

Riddler: Gasp...One more push...hack...You girly-girl...cough...You like tea par...

-They both fall. The paramedics take Riddler only. Dr. Mario, Mario’s cousin, so happens to be passing by.-

Kammy: Oooooohhhhh...Help me...

Dr. Mario: Oh my! You need booze!

-He tosses her some change and enters the hospital where...

SHORT 4: Dr. Mario gets Jiggy

...the staff was waiting.-

Dr. Mario: Hi, everybody!

Staff: Hi, Dr. Mario.

Some Man: Dr. Mario, records show that you do all your precedures using a fork and knife from a seafood restaurant.

Dr. Mario: But I cleaned them with my napkin.

-A man enters, and that’s the cue for the urgent operation music.-

A Man: There’s a crazy man in Room 4 with a scalpel! He demands a quack!

-And all look to Dr. Mario. In the room, Goompa is pointing the scalpel at everyone until he enters.-

Dr. Mario: Hi, everybody. Now, can you please state your symptoms?

Goompa: I’m edgy!! I keep dancing like this!!! SOMEONE GIMME A SEDATIVE!!!!!

Dr. Mario: Careful with that! You’ll break your skin. Now, you’re describing Bonus Eruptus, which is where the skeleton comes out of the mouth and jumps out of the body.

Goompa: Now you’re talkin’!

Dr. Mario: (cue operation music) You need a conjunction on each joint! Get me a golf cart motor with 10,000 volts, STAT!

A Man: But sir, we--

Dr. Mario: THERE’S NO TIME, MAN! We have to do this!

-He uses two wires on a lamp to do this. He holds them to Goompa and it zaps him.-

Dr. Mario: Keep doing that every five seconds. (A Man goes to do that)

Some Man: Dr. Mario, that was amazing. Due to your intellect, we’ll cut prices on everything.

Dr. Mario: All right! Free nose jobs for everyone! (sees a Pianta) YEEK!!! You first.

-With the electricity surging on Goompa, Dr. Mario enters with the Pianta. It’s ruining the...

SHORT 5: Da Robbery

...lights in Club 64.-

Chet Rippo: Hey, Booster, remember that time you were in NASA?

Booster: Oh yeah! It was a blast! (He’s drunk. He never went to NASA.)

Chet Rippo: Well, the bill came in. You owe $140,000. Oh, wait, that’s what they paid on the shuttle. You just owe $6,000.

Booster: But all I got is $1,700.

Chet Rippo: Well, that’s halfway there.

-He shoves the cash in his register. Mayzee, the leader of Team Igneous (she’s a blue-faced Crazee Dayzee with pink petals and a red barette), breaks in with a toxic dart ready.-

Mayzee: Hand over the cash, or I’ll jab this whino’s brains out!

-Chet goes into a doggy door and slide something off the wall.-

Chet Rippo: I’m behind 3 inches of bulletproof glass! DO YOUR WORST!!!

Mayzee: OK.

-She digs into the register and leaves.-

Chet Rippo: HEY!!!! Come back, you little... ... ...I wonder how much air is in here...

-Losing air, he faints. Commercial break!-

Watch for new episodes of King of the Hill, The Simpsons, and Malcolm in the Middle every Sunday night on FOX!

-OK, we’re back! We’re at the home of Snyder, principal of Mushroom High, and he’s a green Toad with a black mustache. Superintendant Chalmers, a yellow Toad, enters.-

Chalmers: Well, I’m here, despite your directions.

Snyder: Ah, Superintendant! You’re hopefully prepared for an unforgettable luncheon! (checks oven in next room) Good lord! My roast is ruined!

-All of a sudden, he eyes the Super Burger across the street.-

Snyder: Hmmm...If I were to order fast food and guise it as my own recipe...(chuckles) Delightfully devilish, Pete!

-About to go out the window until Chalmers catches him.-

SHORT 6: The Principal and the Superintendant

Snyder and his crazy explanations,

Superintendant’s gonna need his medication,

The whole town’s gonna be in trouble tonight!

Chalmers: SNYDER!!!!

Snyder: Oh! I was just stretching my legs on the windowsill! Such isometric exercise. Care to join me?

Chalmers: No, not you. Why is there smoke coming out of your oven?

Snyder: Oh, that’s not smoke. That’s steam! Steam from the wonderful steamed clams we’re having! Mmm. Steamed clams. (Chalmers leaves, then Snyder runs over; later...) Here I am with some mouth-watering burgers!

Chalmers: I thought there were steamed clams.

Snyder: Oh, no, I said steamed HAMS. That’s what I call hamburgers.

Chalmers: You call burgers steamed hams?

Snyder: Yes. It’s a regional dialect.

Chalmers: What region?

Snyder: ...Upstate New York.

Chalmers: Well, I’m from Utica, and I never--

Snyder: Oh, it’s more of an Albany expression! Heh...

-So they start eating.-

Chalmers: Y’know, these taste like the ones from Super Burger...

Snyder: Oh, no, it’s good-ol’ patented Snyder Burgers! It’s an old family recipe.

Chalmers: ...For steamed hams. And, uh, you call ‘em steamed hams even though they’re obviously grilled.

-Smoke rises behind the door.-

Snyder: Erm...Uhhhh...May I leave for a sec, please?

-He enters kitchen, then comes out all relaxed.-

Chalmers: Well, I better be leav--GOOD LORD!!! What is that?!!!

Snyder: ...Aurora Borealis.

Chalmers: Wha--Aurora Borealis?!! In this time of year, in this part of the world, localized in your kitchen?!!!!

Snyder: Yes.

Chalmers: May I...see it?

Snyder: ...No.

-Outside the house...-

Mother: Peter! The house is on fire!

Snyder: No, mother, it’s just the Northern Lights.

Chalmers: I’ll admit, you’re an odd fellow, but you steam a good ham. (leaves)

Mother: Peter!!! HEEEEEEELP!!!!

-The firefighters rush by...

SHORT 7: Yoshi Plays Mr. Mom

...Yoshi Tribal, who just finished shopping. He’s also babysitting a Blooper Baby and walking Poochie.-

Yoshi: "Helms Calls for Cookie Tax..." Oh no!!!

-He struggles with the stuff in his hands to get the newspaper.-

Yoshi: Done and done. Huh?

-Sees that Blake is stuck in the newspaper thingy.-

Yoshi: Oh!!! Um, just a sec. (pulls out bent quarters) GAAAH!!! Why did I stop by the train?! (tries to go to the change store, but Blake gets worried) No, wait! I’m still here. (holds onto his bracelet) Here, if you can squeeze through...

-He accidentally pulls off the bracelet. Blake giggles and rolls up in a newspaper.-

Yoshi: What to do, what to do...the dog!

-Uses cheese whiz to write "HELP, A BABY IS STUCK" on a part of the bag and puts it on Poochie’s collar, who goes for help, but stops and licks the cheese whiz off.-

Yoshi: NO NO NO!!! (Blake is worried.) Don’t worry! I got an idea...

-So, later, he brought the newspaper thingy home. Blake giggled and played Peekaboo with a newspaper that had a Super Burger ad on it, which reminds me...

SHORT 8: You Were at McWhat?!

...The cops, lead by General Guy, were snackin’ at Super Burger.-

Jake the Ninji: I went to the McDonalds in Dallas yesterday.

General Guy: The McWhat?

Jake: McDonalds. It has over a thousand locations in the state.

Eddie the Piranha: Must’ve sprung up overnight.

Jake: But you know what’s funny? The little differences. There, you can order a Super Burger with cheese, but, y’know, they don’t call it a Super Burger with cheese.

General Guy: GET OUT! What do they call it?

Jake: A quarter pounder with cheese.

General Guy: A "quarter pounder with cheese"? Well, I can imagine the cheese, but, do they have Super’s artificial-flavored, non-dairy, gum-based beverages?

Jake: Mm-hmm. They call ‘em "shakes".

Eddie: Shakes...You don’t know what you’re gettin’.

General Guy: Well I know what I’m gettin’--some donuts! (Yes, he’s stuck.) Um, help me outta the booth, boys.

-They poke the booth with their forks so it deflates. Español Fly, a Spanish guy in a fly suit for a show, drives...

SHORT 9: Español Fly’s Hard Day

...home. He hangs his fly suit, the Chihuahua yaps andruns to him, and his wife gives him a kiss. Note that he speaks Spanish only...First he says something, then it shows a flashback of El Beach Nudita. He’s disguised as a tree, but gets clobbered by a woodpecker. Then he’s in a restaurant eating spaghetti. Huff N. Puff quietly grabs the end of a spaghetti and sticks it into an electric socket, zapping Español Fly. Finally, he’s playing baseball and gets hit by a giant Chomp. Now it’s back to him, relieved to be home for peace and relaxation. He opens the cabinet, only to have tamarinds falling on him!-

Español Fly: AY CHIHUAHUA!!!

-He stumbles about and falls onto the ironing board and ricochets up onto the chandelier, crashign his house down! HAH!!!-

SHORT 10: Mayzee vs. Guy

-Mayzee’s on her motorbike after her successful looting, but stops as General Guy crosses.-

General Guy(singing): Donuts, I got donuts, I got--Hey! I know you! Hi!

-Mayzee rams him and rushes away.-

General Guy: Wait! We gotta trade insurance info!

-Mayzee rams a mailbox, ruining her motorbike, but bringing cheery kids. As General Guy comes up, she whacks him and they roll into a building, where someone holds a spear up to their faces.-

Yaridovich: Hold it right there. So, it seems the spider has caught himself a couple of flies. Heh heh heh...

-A donut rolls into the sewer drain, passing...

SHORT 11: Sacreligious Biz

...A dog staring down it. This was Reverand Luvjoy’s dog. He’s a Snifit with a pink robe on.-

Luvjoy: Wa-Wait, over here. That’s right. Just finish up your business and let’s keep us from takin’ it.

-Fred Candon, Mario’s annoying religious neighbor comes out.-

Candon: We-he-hello, Luvjoy! It’s nice to...uh...see you...on my lawn with...your dog.

Luvjoy: ...Oh! Um, bad dog!! Look at that! All over Fred’s lawn! (whisper) Good job, boy. He’s weakening. (out loud) Bad dog!! I condemn you to hell!!!

Candon: Well, heh, better get my ol’ snow shovel back from Mario! (moves on to next door)

Luvjoy(whisper): Good job, boy. Don’t stop the music!

-Fred just heads nextdoor to see...

SHORT 12: Gummy Scalps II

...Mrs. Toadstool putting stuff on Peach’s gum spot.-

Peach: Don’t ask. I have gum in my hair.

Mrs. Toadstool: We’ve tried everything: bacon grease, peanut oil, shaving cream...

Peach: My scalp itches from horsefly bites.

Candon: Why don’t you just freeze it with and ice cube and hit it with a hammer? Works for me when I get bubbly-gum in the ol’ pushbroom. (By which he means his ‘stache. Later...)

Peach: (whack!) OW! (whack!) OW!! (whack!) STOP IT!! STOP IT!!!

Candon: Hmm, that seems to have mashed more hair into it.

Axem Yellow: Ice cubes are useless! It’s gotta be CHEWED out!

Peach: Does everyone have to hear this?!

Johnny: You try a baltic squid? They suck the bolts outta a submarine’s hull!

Bowser: (snapshot!) YEAH! Now the guys at TGI Friday’s will give me big bucks!

Fawful: A word of advice: Never pull gum off with one of these helmets. (tugs a stuck helmet) It just makes things worse...

Frogfucius: Leave it in as evidence. Bazooka Joe’s got deep pockets.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Perhaps I can help.

Peach: Definitely not you.

-And so, everyone in the world gives suggestions. Commercial!-

Gilderoy: Vote Gilderoy Lockhart for best smile!

-SHUDDAP!!! YOU #@%&#@?& MORON!!!!! Anyway, cue Cletus theme.-

SHORT 13: Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel

No folk’ll ever eat a skunk,

But then again, some folk’ll,

Like Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.

Cletus: Hey, what’s with dis cactus over har?

-OK, let’s see the action...-

Cletus: Hey, Brandine, y’thinkinna wearin’ these faw your job intahview?

Brandine: Them boots? Naw. Y’just put ‘em back where y’found ‘em.

-So Cletus climbs up the power line post and tosses the boots back on it.-

Cletus: Back y’go, to awaits a wumin o’less discriminatin’ tastes.

No folk’ll ever lose a toe,

But then again, some folk’ll,

Like Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.

Cletus: Y’know whut? I kid call mah Ma fr’m up har. HEY MA! GET OFF THE DANG ROOF!!!

SHORT 14: Urinals for Geeks Only

-This is the shop that Comic Book Guy, some fat Bandit that’s, well, not into thieving but into collectibles, runs.-

Goombario: Erm, can I use the restroom? I gotta take a leak FAST!

Comic Book Guy: Sorry, it’s for customers only. You purchase an item, you may use the restroom.

Goombario: What about that?

Comic Book Guy: That’s a rare photo of Joan Cusack taken by Don Rickles signed by Pierce Brosnan. It is worth 3500 coins.

Goombario: Uhhhh...What can I get for 20 coins?

Comic Book Guy: You may buy this Hamburglar adventure book. A kid answered the jumble with crayons. The answer is "fries."

-So, Goombario buys it.-

Goompapa: You said you needed to go to the restroom and I find you buying comics?

Comic Book Guy: Oh, our transaction is complete. You may take the boy.

Goombario: Sheesh...

SHORT 15: Fate of the Speared

-Back in the place, Yaridovich tied up General Guy and Mayzee.-

Yaridovich: Once Mack gets here, the party will begin. Oh, here he is now. (Goompapa and Goombario enter) Who are you?

Goompapa: Can my son use the restroom?

Goombario: You gotta say yes!!!

Yaridovich: ...OK, but be quick. It’s in back. (Goombario rushes that way.)

-Goompapa kinda stares at frantic General Guy and Mayzee.-

Goompapa: Ummmmm...Well, this is a nice place. When I was a kid, this was a pet store, and over there was the cutest--

-Yarid holds up an electrically charged spear.-

Yaridovich: Get in the corner.

-Goombario spins a mace, whacking Yarid.-

Goombario: Check out what I found! Can we get this? Oh! Um...sorry, sir.

-General Guy hops out in his chair, right past...

SHORT 16: Gummy Scalps III

...Peach, who’s running to the barber.-

Barber: Do you want me to style the gum or cut it off?

Peach: Just cut it off, but be careful.

Barber: Don’t worry. I understand how important hair is for a little girl. (Later she has a bruised spot where the gum was.) You keep squirming like that and there'’ gonna be a little bald girl with no lollipop. (Later, with a comb and bruise ointment, her hair looks normal again! YAY!!! No more gum in there!)

Peach: Oh, it’s beautiful! I look like a normal person again! Thanks!

-As she walks out...

SHORT 17: Sorry There’s Not 29!!!

...Bowyer sees her.-

Bowyer: Nya ha!

-Peach just puts her hat back on. A biking old lady accidentally falls into the trash.-

Bowyer: Nya ha!

-He sees a tall man scrunched up in his car.-

Bowyer: Nya ha!

-The tall guy steps out and goes after him.-

Bowyer: Crap! (runs around a corner, where he finds just Peach)

Peach: He’s down there. (points to manhole)

Bowyer: Crap! (Tall Boy reaches in and grabs him)

Tall Guy: You find something funny about my driving?

Bowyer: Well, duh!

Tall Guy: Everyone needs to drive a car, even the unusually tall. That car was the biggest I can afford. You think that’s hilarious?

Bowyer: Oh, definitely!...Um...The wrong answer, that was?

Tall Guy: Would YOU like it if I laughed at YOUR misfortune? HUH?!! Maybe we should find out!

-So they go on the streets and he pulls Bowyer’s pants down. Then he gets in the car.-

Tall Guy: Now, march! (Bowyer does so, and everyone watches.) Hey look, everyone! It’s that idiot who laughs at everyone! Let’s laugh at HIM! (everyone does the "Nya ha!" thing on Bowyer) Wave to the people! (Bowyer waves.) Blow them kisses!

-Bowyer blows kisses and sobs, as well as get pelted by ketchup and mustard. It was the Mario Bros., laughing along.-

Mario: Wow, that was cool. Interesting things DO happen to others in the Mushroom Kingdom!

Luigi: Yep! Everyone has their own story.

Mario: Too bad there’s no time to hear ‘em all.

Prof. Gadd: Oh, uh, wa-wait! Yes, it is Prof. E. Gadd here. I’m sorry to be late, but there was the havoc and the slip-ups and the monkey taking the glasses off my heads! Um, uh, WAIT! No wait! I got a funny story!...If you’ll listen...Hey, I’ve got a theme song! (clears throat)

Professor Gadd, Professor Gadd,

He’ll make you think, he’ll make you glad,

And then the what and there’s the thing

With the...uh...person... ... ... ... ...Oh boy, that monkey is gonna pay...

-Sorry, Gadd! And to anyone I didn’t include.-

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