Editorials / Features

Article originally written by SchwarzerWind for Super Mario Portal (marioportal.com) on 18th of October 2003.

 

Wind’s here to educate the populace, this time the Mario Fans, because there’s one area of Mario fandom where a grave injustice somehow got started, and has not only continued, but prospered. Seeing as how this injustice involves my most favorite character in the Mario universe, it’s prompted me to spring into action to set the record straight.

I think because Nintendo has never been too clear about this, and the fact that they have somewhat helped in this misunderstanding (Super Smash Bros. Melee comes to mind, but more on that later), it has continued to thrive despite it being completely and utterly totally wrong. Completely in the face of what you may have heard, or been told by your friends, whether you are nine or twenty-two, there are Three Princesses in the Mario Universe. And if you were one of the unfortunate poor souls who had to endure the Super Mario Bros. Movie back in the early 1990’s for which I pity you, but no, Luigi has not, and ever will, hook up with Princess Daisy. And Daisy is not Toadstool.

But then, Nintendo isn’t exactly great about clearing up these in discrepancies, just look at how they treat poor Luigi. After fifteen years, he gets his own game, Luigi’s Mansion, and he gets to go around busting ghosts. Hey, that’s a pretty damned cool premise, but why does Luigi have to be such a pussy about it? Why can’t Luigi be cool in the face of ethereal danger, like Mario is, facing the Boos? And why is he Mario’s ever-suffering personal bitch? It seems like unless it’s the red-hatted one, Nintendo could barely care about the Mario Universe. But back to the Princesses.First let’s start with the first girl in Mario’s life, Pauline.

This less than spectacular damsel in distress had the nasty bad habit of being kidnapped by giant gorillas and taken to the tops of half-finished buildings in construction sites. She would then perch atop the highest girder and scream for help while the gorilla manned a suspiciously well-stocked supply of large, yet empty, powder kegs. And I suppose, when you’re stuck atop giant girders like that, trying to hold your petticoat down in the gale, the main thing you want to be, is rescued. So you’d naturally call the first person who comes to mind; the first person you can think of that would be best-suited for the job. That’s right, you’d scream for a portly plumber! We never gave the girl much credit for brains, especially instead of like, inching away from Donkey Kong while he was busying himself throwing barrels, she just continued to stand up there and scream “Help!” repeatedly. Pauline has reddish-hair and blue eyes, and it’s not known that their relationship lasted past the original Donkey Kong game.

That brings us to the next girl in the timeline, Princess Daisy of SarasaraLand, whom was who Mario had to rescue in the gameboy series, Super Mario Land which started in 1988. Daisy happens to look somewhat like Princess Toadstool to alot of folks (however I don't see the resemblance at all), and so they call her as such. Also, Nintendo didn't help matters by making one of Princess Toadstool's alternate costumes in Super Smash Bros. Melee, Daisy's outfit (and recoloring poor Toadstool's hair a ass-dark brown to match). They are not sisters either, as they are from different kingdoms, and Princess Toadstool is an only child. Other than her "appearance" in Melee, Daisy has not appeared in a Mario game in ages (to my knowledge, please correct me if I'm wrong, as I don't care about her).

Last on this pathetic little parade of post-pubescent, lack of significant other, self-induced lunacy, is the greatest Princess to ever grace a console. And if you haven't figured out my bias in this article yet, then boy are you in for a treat. This poor girl should be filing multiple lawsuits for identity theft! It's certainly understandable why these other imposers would want to be her, but sadly none of them even come close to the grace, the style, the bubbly air-headedness, frying pan whack-iness, flying-ass bodyslamm-iness goodness that is Princess Peach Toadstool. Don't let the now-blonde hair fool you, that's an evil mind wrapped in a candy shell there. Sweet, charming and able to beat you into traction with three swats of her umbrella, Peach isn't about playing. In fact, she'd rescue herself if only she didn't know how much it means to Mario to be the man and save her. Far from helpless, Peach plays the damsel card as long as the situation suits her, but once things go too far, she opens up a star of whoop-ass. And you think she's all sugar? This girl uses her own servants as Human Shields in Smash Bros. Melee, and speaking of Melee, has anyone ever armed this girl with a sword? Bowser must have nightmares about her breaking high heels off in his turtle-shelled ass at night!

Peach originally went by her last name only, at least here in the States, but Japanese gamers had known her for years by her first name. She also originally had brown hair and brown eyes, but as most drop-dead gorgeous brunettes do, she felt she needed to get some color into her outfit. So in Super Mario Bros. 3, she sported a lighter hairdo, and seemed to have lost some weight. Her major change came with the release of Super Mario 64, in which she went completely blonde, and started wearing blue contacts in her eyes. She even sported a new summer dress and wore her trademark hairdo in a ponytail for Mario Sunshine. But I'll always love Peach for her original look, with the dark brown hair and eyes that made her such a babe. The only exception to that is her look in Smash Bros. Melee, which was goddess-like.

So there you have it, the "3 Princesses" of the Mario games. I hope this finally sheds some light on some of this for those of you confused about which wench is which in the Mario Universe. Over and out.